Muhammad Ali Fights, Charles Manson kills people, I write

I recently saw a movie called "The Opposite of Sex", and it was pretty great, and not just because im in love with Christina Ricci but because it got me thinking. What is the opposite of sex? Knowing that sex is a great feeling you would think that whatever the opposite of it is, it would probably feel pretty awful. But if you think about it sex isn't something that just feels good or is fun. I mean the entire point of sex is for reproduction right. Sex leads to pregnacy which leads to birth which leads to life right. So the opposite of sex probably leads to death. But I don't think the opposite of sex is you dying. More like you contributing to death and I'd imagine that you probably don't fell anything painful, rather nothing at all and its probably just as satisfying. Im not saying that murder or death is a good thing; but just imagine the feeling someone like Charles Manson got from orchestrating violent murders, he probably didn't feel any remorse but was still satisfied with the outcome. Or imagine how a military leader feels after leading hudreds of troops into battle, and after winning the battle he's lost half of his men, and the thought of what's going to happen to these mens families or children doesn't cross the leaders mind, but he is proud of his so called victory. This has to be the oposite of sex a sort of empty satisfaction. I mean I'm probably wrong but it was something to think about.

Brainstorms and Raincoats

After being hit by a little burst of inspiration, I often find myself wondering where and how this inspiration comes about. Obviously music is the biggest source, but I think its the fact that my brain probably isn't wired properly, hell even I know I'm strange. I also think its more or less the crap I've had to endure throughout my childhood, mostly my teens. My teens for lack of a better term have pretty much sucked, way to many highs and lows. The last two years have a special place in a little corner of hell. Mostly a result of being let down by the only people your supposed to be able to count on, and realizing you don't get a second chance most of the time. Enough of my depressing rants.

The thought of what inspires me led me to analyze things I take a particular interest in for no Good reason. All of my weird obsessions that I love.

Chuck Palahniuk is a fucking sick genius. The way he looks at everything and explores some of the oddest situations. I love the way he uses addictions with his characters; and the sick sexual references he uses. I don't know if that's something to look up to or admire but I do.

Music, I love it. Its probably more of the creative process behind it that I love. I enjoy music in pieces more that as a whole sometimes. A song could have the worst lyrics and the most amazing music; and I could listen to the instrumental all day. Same goes for the opposite, if a song has great lyrics it doesn't matter how awful the music is I could listen to it all day.

Lyricists/poets are the people I admire the most, the ability to say a complicated thing in a simple way is something I envy and hope to achieve one day. I know this is pretty gay for a 19 year old black kid to say; but Pete Wentz' lyrics are amazing. The way he can put such simple, yet personal feelings into words that are so fitting of the mood is what I aspire to. Ryan Ross is insane his lyrics are so thought out and planned that it makes me wonder how long it takes him to write that stuff. Eminem is a mad genius. I was listening to "Marshall Mathers LP" and I can't imagine how he felt when he wrote and recorded that stuff. Its like how can someone put all of that rage into song. I don't even think I could ever reach the levels of anger that he hit on that record. Charles Bukowski is a man that was ahead of his time, truly a genius, he mastered the ability to put his thoughts and feelings on paper.

Movies/TV I really love movies with intricate plots or just anything that is really screwed up. I saw this movie the "Opposite of Sex" a few days ago, and it really got me thinking. That's all I really want to get out of a movie, just the ability to consider something from another point of view. I also love like 90s nickelodeon cartoons, like hey arnold, doug and rugrats. I just think the people who write this stuff are probably the coolest people alive. How do you as an adult write a show for kids, a good show. I don't know how its possible, I could never do that.

Books are something I never enjoyed as a kid but now I can't put them down. When reading a book is the only time I can focus completely on one thing, ever. Oddly enough I tend to read books really fast, I knock out about 600 pages in one day, if I enjoy it. One of the most interesting stories I've read is choke by chuck palahniuk, the main character reminded me of myself, struggling with a negligent mother and the wrong ideas about sex and women. Rant by Palahniuk is also amazing stylisticly its written as an interview from beginning to end and its so vivid and confusing, I completly enjoyed putting that puzzle together.

That's it I guess, this ran a little long and incoherent, but hey.

From Small Rooms To Small Graves

If the tired sleep
And the weary rest
There's no telling
what I have left

Cause time moves fast
And my minds kept
The secret to outrun death

Its selfish to say
That I belive, when I
say this Loveless lie

Like proper men
we'll dine in,
we'll dine in hell
Look from within
These beautiful sins, I
Love them, I love them

There are worse things than being alone(untitled)

Keep your secret and
take me back inside
Wash me away with the tide
Take your side
The crowds cry out
But they don't know, but they don't know
Feed the screen with a dream
Or join me in reality

Id rather leave than be
Another piece
In your menagerie

Wear a mask, live a lie
You hide the cry
Oh no instead id die

Now that you know
There's nothing left to hide
We can decide where you will lie
With me or the headline
See through the lines
Its obvious
It doesn't matter anymore

There's nothing more to see
Its inevitable
But this is us, so stay without me
Id rather leave
Than be another piece
In your menagerie

Notes written before jumping out of an 8 story window

Scratch your skin
Pop the pills to get
your head right
Now red and blue
Dizzy its not 3D
My only friends
I see where they
will take me

Im not lonely
Im a loner
Try to forget, yet
I want to remember

Some cry murder
When it dies slow
So we try to revive it
No
(But what's inside never dies)

How'd we get here
I went astray, and
You couldn't stay
I can't lay blame
I left too
gave up on myself
All I see is red and blue

Some cry murder
When it dies slow
So we try to revive it
No
(But what's inside never dies)

Scratch your skin
Pop the pills to get
your head right
Im not lonely
Im a loner
Some cry murder
(But what's inside never dies)

I sing the body electric

You get off
On being put down, So
when it heats up
I lay you down

On a drive to nowhere
Lean over from the passenger side
Pick up the phone we might be found out
Drop off two blocks down
Quick we might be found out

You get off
On being put down, So
when it heats up
I lay you down

Take those big browns
And turn them around
How am I supposed to love you

Tried to throw it aside
But im not that strong
Thoughts of curves
Plague my nights
Forgot where I left the the wrongs
Does that make it right

You get off
On being put down, So
when it heats up
I lay you down

If You feel the same, why
Does this weigh my brain
Born under the same light
Change just right, 'cause
For each other we just might
Two wrongs don't make a right
But at best two wrongs make us

The devils hands are idle play things

Listen closely and Do exactly what I say
You've gotten away with murder today
Now wash your hands
And dry them on me
Add insult to injury

Drag it away and hide this in your closet
Staying with you is like Living in trenches,
and when brainstorms come
im covered in your lies
And your pinesol fresh

Listen closely and Do exactly what I say
wash your hands
And dry them on me
Add insult to injury

Just give up and Hand over your future
The two of us are just, classic losers
you hide behind me, cause You don't have anyone else
But I've been longing for a spotlight lately
Add insult to injury

Take a big breath of air Cause
you'll need it, When your alone
We're prone to the same rounds
Break that habit, turn around
That road leaves this town

Listen closely and Do exactly what I say
wash your hands
And dry them on me
Add insult to injury

"it's about time we had a little less respect for the dead, and a little more regard for the living"

Situations force my draw
Can't play the hand dealt
So I change my cards
We can't decide
The right time to dive
You know you want to go
What's the problem now
Say my name again

Staring in the mirror
with hands outstretched so wide
Love and other four letter words
come to mind
Just let me get them out and
ill be just fine

Don't mind im just saving you the time of tossing me aside

We can't decide
The right time to dive
You know you want to go
What's the problem now
Say my name again

(Patience bends, cracked with no time
This will end
soaking red like A hemophiliac suicide)

If we can't decide
The right time to dive
You know you want to go
What's the problem now
Say my name one last time

The tower is tall, but the fall is short

I hid the key and locked the door
They topped me found it under the floor boards
Open a can of worms, walk through the door
Its my turn

If we're all gods children then
I think he dropped me on my head
I only said what you thought
I know its my words in your head
If this is it, it was never for love
Its was just a love of competition
And I think im losing

If you want a laugh then im your man
If you wanna dance then don't just stand
Who are we kidding, we love attention
If were living in history, then im your diary

I never met a pair of legs I wouldn't split
You never met a set of lips you wouldn't taste

Leaving doors on airplane bathrooms
Open in hopes that you'll see me
In a 757 at thirty thousand feet
And pretend we both don't like it

If we're all gods children then
I think he dropped me on my head
It was never for love
just a love of competition
And I think im losing

Who are we kidding, We love attention
I only said what you thought
I never met a pair of legs I wouldn't split
You never met a set of lips you wouldn't taste

Leaving doors on airplane bathrooms
Open in hopes that you'll see me
In a 757 at thirty thousand feet
And pretend we both don't like it

Ima Monsta

Awesome drawing by Alex Pardee

What's all this then?

Now I could just be another one of those guys that shows up gets it in and goes home, and initially that's all I wanted to do but for some reason there's something about you. I can't quite put my finger on it, I have had my finger in it, im joking, im joking. Now I don't know if its the rush of testosterone or all of the blood rushing to and from different places But I think I really like you, now you've said you loved me more times than I can count, but I don't believe it, and lets be hones neither do you. I think there's something here whether its physical or something more, we should at least walk through the door, ill hold it open this time. Im not saying im in love, that's the last thing on my mind, im not even sure if I really like you. Im just saying give it a shot, if it works then great; and if not it wouldn't be much different from where we are now, right. You know im not saying this stuff just to get in your pants, because well I've already been there. So if you want to try this, we can; but if you don't im not sure we're gonna be the same. It will be hard to do what we do after I've sat here and gushed to you. I know we both hate complicating things but hell, I can't help but to fuck things up.

Cupid's Cousin Larry

Is love really worth the pain, discomfort or burning sensation. I know it sounds like im describing an STD but be patient, I got an appointment on Monday ill hit you back with an update. Well, think again do we really want this crazy dream of a big house and a white picket fence, how dense are we to believe that we can all achieve this dream and play the starring role in our perfect scene. Think again the honest truth is most of us will probably die alone, unless you do achieve that dream and your spouse outlives you. So lets say you outlive your spouse and you have to deal with a pain you could never imagine, I know love's so tragic right. How would you feel knowing you had the perfect one, and now there's no getting them back, no fairy tale ending, just you waiting to end so you can be together again. But lets face it when it all goes black you don't really know what's going to happen, never thought about like that before did you? But think again, lets say you don't reach that dream and you suffer a string of unfortunate events and you just become the poster kid for failed relationships, now is it all worth it. Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, I don't think so. I don't know about you but how many break ups can you take before you just break down. And how many times can you let the perfect one just get away, I know it hurts more than anything at the moment; but you show it cause you don't care who knows it. Heartbreak's a funny thing, you sort of withdraw and introvert, but everyone knows what's going on. So think again is it all worth it, the pain, discomfort and lets forget about the burning sensation. I'd say yea, I would rather live my entire life and not feel a thing, than deal with all the things that come attached to a relationship, sex or whatever you want to call it. Just pass me the novocaine.